Stuff from my brain
I never thought of my self as an intelligent person. That has not changed. I dont quite know how to use this site so im just going to type what I think for myself to view my progress as I mature. I find that one of the toughest topics in my life is love and friendship. As an extrovert I have the constant need to be around people. To my knowledge im a pretty likeable guy. One of the reasons I struggle though is letting people get to know me. Its so hard for me to open up because im afraid of getting hurt. Opening up scares me. I struggled for so long being the real me that i dont know what the real me looks like. Constant questions of who am I keep occuring in my head. For this very reason I cant be with the girl I want. When I first saw her something clicked I instantly wanted to be better than the guy i was. However, due to my lack of maturity I was unable to keep her around. I wasn’t able to open up to her. Even the girl I was so interested in couldnt get to know the real me. Everytime i see her number pop up on my phone my heart sinks. I cant tell her how i feel due to us both searching for our goals. So often I want to try to make it work on my oown but by doing that I slow down the natural order of things. You cant just make love work. It just has to naturally happen. Relationships in general confuse me. I feel like girls expect the romantic movie love while speaking from my personal expierience feel inadequete by this. How can we live up to the dramatic “perfect” man. In my misfortune of dating I have found that I tend to date girls who have a flare for the dramatic. One slip up and I am suddenly the worst person on the planet. After awhile the pressure gets to much. In the past I was a jerk to many girls. Then as soon as I started to turn it around I was suddenly to nice for them. I was no longer “me”. Who am I became a much more important question at that point. Was I a jerk or was I nice or was i somewhere in between. I have come to realize that people have a perception of me that I can no longer match. So what do I do? Do I try to fit the perception of my peers or am i able to continue to find myself? All I know is im mostly happy if not inquisitive about my life. One day ill have the answers but for now i just dont.