The Inner Workings of a Madman

Thoughts at 2am

Tue, 26 Jun 2012 02:15:24 -0400

The only thing I know right now is that I don’t know where to start. It seems my brain always works hardest when I want it to stop. I have learned that I should not take things in this life for granted because you can’t be sure of anything on this earth. Things can change in a matter of moments one decision can change your life forever. Each day exists for itself. It is not contingent on the day before. People will change as will feelings and emotions. As time goes on we become a new person. Life shapes us and makes us better or worse. I have learned that I know very little and my decisions have caused me a lot of pain. Nevertheless I continue on because I know that above my understanding of everything there is a God who is in control.

Tim

Fri, 09 Mar 2012 22:34:11 -0500

Rather be called a legalist for doing what’s right than a hypocrite for doing what’s popular.

Vision

Wed, 08 Feb 2012 02:32:51 -0500

I once had a goal in my heart. It was all i wanted. I went for it everyday because I didn’t want to be another face in the crowd. I wanted to be someone important. I sought my own glory because when I die I wanted to be remembered with the names of Steve Jobs and Vince Lombardi.

I stress the past-tense in my previous paragraph because I have grown out of those dreams. Since coming to Christ and really Zion I have grown. I have grown out of the childish dreams and into my true calling. Honestly up till now I missed the point. The truth is that whether people remember me or not is irrelevant. All that matters is that I am in God’s will and I stay there. I don’t believe I will ever be a huge name but if that is what God wants for me then so be it. I have seen the joy that comes with my change of heart. I want what God wants. I am not the same guy I was even one month ago. Someone I knew before I came to Zion said that I needed to be less preachy and go back to my normal self. Unfortunately, I have passed a point of no return. I have been called to be a preacher and have been gifted with the abilities of a preacher. When people say I’m preachy it just means that I’m walking in my anointing. I have been through the changing process and I will continue that process until I die. My Goal for my future is unclear because God has not given me the goal yet. I will continue to run the race until it is finished.

Love?

Mon, 16 Jan 2012 02:11:52 -0500

I am clear that I don’t know what love is. I think i have seen many great examples of it in my lifetime but I could never figure it out. So now at this stage of my very young life I have so many questions about love. I believe i’ll know when it happens but i’ve tricked myself into believing I was in love. I want that feeling even though I don’t know how to describe it. It seems my other motive is so I won’t have to worry about ever meeting the one. I would be lying if i said it wasn’t on my mind constantly. Thoughts from oh she’s the one to maybe she just gave you a basic blueprint of what you want. I know with my belief in Christ im supposed to just let him work it all out but I find it harder each day. I know it would be silly of me at the age of 18 to start any kind of a personal relationship with a woman mainly because I do not yet view myself as a man. My immaturity is diminishing but at the same time its constant. There is an old saying ive heard for many years that says “Don’t focus on finding the one, focus on becoming the one.” I may be wrong on the exact words but I find that this quote gives a tough mission to complete. I guess I would just like the security of knowing who so I have less to worry about. Ultimatly I know that my life is in my creators hands and I just need to trust in that. Maybe that just has to be good enough for now.

Stuff from my brain

Sun, 15 Jan 2012 02:47:00 -0500

I never thought of my self as an intelligent person. That has not changed. I dont quite know how to use this site so im just going to type what I think for myself to view my progress as I mature. I find that one of the toughest topics in my life is love and friendship. As an extrovert I have the constant need to be around people. To my knowledge im a pretty likeable guy. One of the reasons I struggle though is letting people get to know me. Its so hard for me to open up because im afraid of getting hurt. Opening up scares me. I struggled for so long being the real me that i dont know what the real me looks like. Constant questions of who am I keep occuring in my head. For this very reason I cant be with the girl I want. When I first saw her something clicked I instantly wanted to be better than the guy i was. However, due to my lack of maturity I was unable to keep her around. I wasn’t able to open up to her. Even the girl I was so interested in couldnt get to know the real me. Everytime i see her number pop up on my phone my heart sinks. I cant tell her how i feel due to us both searching for our goals. So often I want to try to make it work on my oown but by doing that I slow down the natural order of things. You cant just make love work. It just has to naturally happen. Relationships in general confuse me. I feel like girls expect the romantic movie love while speaking from my personal expierience feel inadequete by this. How can we live up to the dramatic “perfect” man. In my misfortune of dating I have found that I tend to date girls who have a flare for the dramatic. One slip up and I am suddenly the worst person on the planet. After awhile the pressure gets to much. In the past I was a jerk to many girls. Then as soon as I started to turn it around I was suddenly to nice for them. I was no longer “me”. Who am I became a much more important question at that point. Was I a jerk or was I nice or was i somewhere in between. I have come to realize that people have a perception of me that I can no longer match. So what do I do? Do I try to fit the perception of my peers or am i able to continue to find myself? All I know is im mostly happy if not inquisitive about my life. One day ill have the answers but for now i just dont.

Obnoxious Type People

Sat, 14 Jan 2012 00:51:58 -0500

Sick of the “Guys are this” and “Girls are this” thing that people are so fascinated with. its obnoxious. why feed into a stereotype? Why cant people just allow people to be people without judging them. If you dont personally know every single person in that selected gender then you cant judge the whole gender for the wrongs of one. Get over the fact that people arent perfect and we can move past the immaturity.